< And all the war freaks die off.... <$BlogRSDUrl$>

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

|
Mood: Down
Today’s Quote: "EnjoStart by admiitting from cradle to tomb, it isn't that long of stay" Liza Minnelli, Cabaret
Today’s Song: "Tears in Heaven" Eric Clapton

I found out today that Rusty Corbin passed away. That doesn't make me happy one bit. The man was awsome. He was one of the nicest people one could possibly dream of. The world lost a great human being. He has to be in a better place right now. He just got married too. One just doesn't know when he/she is going to go. Life is too short for those who deserve long, happy lives, and too long for the peices of poo in this world.

"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven..."

Friday, January 23, 2004

|
Mood: Not as bad as yesterday
Today’s Quote: "The world is coming to and end."
Today’s Song: "Last Dance With Mary Jane"

I loved the snowball tongiht ;-). Instead of going I hung out with dave, scott barb, katrina, and her sister. Good times. I enjoyed them. My friends make me happy. Part of my pain melted tonight. I dont' know what caused it, but for some reason, I am happy. I just can't put my finger on it though. I think it doesn't matter. My wound may heal some day.

"She grew up in a Indiana town,
Had a good lookin' mama who never was around.
But she grew up tall and she grew up right
With them Indiana boys on an Indiana night.

Well she moved down here at the age of eighteen,
She blew the boys away; was more than they'd seen.
I was introduced and we both started groovin'
She said, "I dig you, baby, but I got to keep movin' - on.
Keep movin' on."

Chorus
Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pain.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

Well I don't know but I've been told, you never slow down,
you never grow old.
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of goin' down,
Tired of myself, tired of this town,
Oh my, my, oh hell yes - Honey put on that party dress.
Buy me a drink, sing me a song,
Take me as I come . cause I can't stay long.

(Repeat Chorus)

There's pigeons down on Market Square,
She's standing in her underwear.
Lookin' down from a hotel room,
Nightfall will be coming soon.
Oh my, my, oh hell yes, you got to put on that party dress.
It was too cold to cry, when I woke up alone.
I hit my last number, I walked to the road.

(Repeat Chorus)"

Thursday, January 22, 2004

|
Mood: Empty, Angry, Down, but I can say, not 1/2 as bad as last night.
Today’s Quote: "Somebody please tell me that I'm dreaming, It's not so easy to stop from screaming,
The words escape me when i try to speak, Tears flow but why am I crying." "Life down here is just a strange illusion" Iron Maiden (From hallowed be thy name)

Today’s Song: "Mexicali Blues" The Grateful Dead

Before you might read something you don't want to hear, Maybe you should't read this. I mean, its nothing I haven't said before but.... I don't want to experiance another last night.

My intestines are flipping out. We ate mexican tonight, and the re-fried beans are teaching me a lesson. I am thinking my body wants to kill me. It is rejecting food, and at times, I get sharp pains throughout my midsection.

Cupid's arrow is one that is barbed. I hope he never shoots me again. I wouldn't mind if a lucky lady got struck with one, and then came my way, but I swear it, I won't fall for anyone again if I can help it. Anyone who sees me falling, please help me up before I hit the ground, for I know no one will ever catch me. Lets face it, despite how much chicks like guys like me in theory, they go back to the same jerks who treated them the same way before. Even if they never claimed to like sensitve guys, they def. don't like the other guys. I just don't get it. Why do chicks like guys who treat them badly. All throughout my life cupid's arrow only caused me pain. Every girl I ever liked never returned the feelings my way. I must say, you guys really missed out. "I want a guy to write me poetry and sing me love songs." I guess its because I can't sing. Or maybe its just the songs I choose to sing. Like songs of meaness to you.

I would love to go to the gallows, just for 3 seconds of Mexicali Blues

"Laid back in an old saloon, with a peso in my hand,
Watchin' flies and children on the street,
And I catch a glimpse of black-eyed girls who giggle when I smile,
There's a little boy who wants to shine my feet.

And it's three days ride from Bakersfield and I don't know why I came.
I guess I came to keep from payin' dues.
So instead I've got a bottle and a girl who's just fourteen,
And a damn good case of the Mexicali Blues. Yeh!

Is there anything a man don't stand to lose,
When the devil wants to take it all away?
Cherish well your thoughts, and keep a tight grip on your booze,
Cause thinkin' and drinkin' are all I have today.

She said her name was Billy Jean and she was fresh in town.
I didn't know a stage line ran from Hell.
She had raven hair, a ruffled dress, a necklace made of gold,
All the french perfume you'd care to smell.

She took me up into her room and whispered in my ear,
"Go on, my friend, do anything you choose."
Now I'm payin' for those happy hours I spent there in her arms,
With a lifetime's worth of the Mexicali Blues.

Is there anything a man don't stand to lose,
When the devil wants to take it all away?
Cherish well your thoughts, and keep a tight grip on your booze
Cause thinkin' and drinkin' are all I have today.

And then a man rode into town, some thought he was the law.
Billy Jean was waitin' when he came.
She told me he would take her, if I didn't use my gun,
I'd have no one but myself to blame.

I went down to those dusty streets, blood was on my mind.
I guess that stranger hadn't heard the news
Cause I shot first and killed him, Lord, he didn't even draw
And he made me trade the gallows for the Mexicali Blues.

Is there anything a man don't stand to lose
When he lets a woman hold him in her hands?
He just might find himself out there on horseback in the dark
Just ridin' and runnin' across those desert sands"

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

|
Mood: Words can not describe the pain i feel
Today’s Quote: (See poem below)
Today’s Song: "Believe in life" Eric Clapton

This poem sucks, deal with it

"You don’t understand what you mean to me
You’re my Poseidon, of my very sea
As unique as every gorgeous snow flake
On my mind every second in my wake
Dreams of you so pleasant throughout the night
My siren to me as Eve had her snake
My infatuation for thee isn’t right
All I wish for me is to hold you tight
But I am not what you so very want
I’m willing to change that with all my might
Despite the affection signals you flaunt
I’ll never have you oh sweet love of mine
And my heart is left sobbing, and to whine"

I am thinking about shutting this bastard down. All it does is fuck things up.

Why do I feel this way? Why won't it go away? I would do anything to make it just go away. Why why why won't it go? There was never a time in my life in which i felt this bad. Why? its just petty inflatuation. I am overreacting, i know it. I know you all think the same. Why when i fell did you not catch me. Why did I even trip to begin with? I wish I never did. I wish i never did with anyone. All it has EVER caused me is pain. I never EVER got a girl i liked. And I can't blame them. Sure I am a great guy, but if I was a girl, I don't think I would like me. What the fuck is happening to me. Why am I even here?
Sorry guys that I spread such unhappiness to you also. I truely don't mean to. I am so sorry for eveything that is going on. I am causing so many people pain. I hate it. I hate causing people pain.

I am starting not to believe in life anymore. This thing is just one big lie. Happiness is nothing more then a fairy tale for me. I am going to be joining Syd Barret I think.

"When the world has seen the light
At the beginning of the day,
You will let me call your name,
'Cause I love you more than light,
And it will always be this way
As long as I believe in life.

When the morning comes too soon
And I am still without your love,
You will let me call your name,
'Cause I love you more than light,
And it will always be this way
As long as I believe in life.

Whatever happened to the girls I used to know?
Whatever happened to the places that we'd go?
When we were running in and out of time,
But all the time we still believed in life.
We were running in and out of time,
But still believed in life.

And when the day is almost done
And there is nothing left to say,
You will let me call your name,
'Cause I love you more than light,
And it will always be this way
As long as I believe in life.

Running in and out of time,
But still believed in life.

And when the day is almost done
And there is nothing left to say,
You will let me call your name,
'Cause I love you more than light,
And it will always be this way
As long as I believe,
As long as you believe,
As long as I believe that you believe, then I'll believe, I'll believe in life.
As long as I believe that you believe, then I'll believe, I'll believe in life.

Believe in life.
I believe in life.
I believe in life."

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

|
Mood: "Pop in the clip"
Today’s Quote: "For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; "
~~~Edgar Allan Poe (from Annabel Lee)
Today’s Song: "Fade To Black" Metallica (once again)

My life seems to get worse with every passing breath. Some of it I admit I cause. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out, and I feel bad for expressing myself as everyone "Feels bad for me" and "worries about me". I hate to sound so bitter, but if people truely cared about me, they wouldn't hurt me like they do. Then people tell me I need to go see a shrink. Maybe people need to quit playing f'in mind games with me. It feel so F'in bad words can't describe this hell. I feel this stabbing wound in my heart, and a broom stick up my butt all at the same time. I was talking to some people, and they said the hurting for them never stopped. Just so happend four years later that person fell in love with them and they lived happily ever after. Other say it never left them, just faded away. I don't even feel it budging, but only getting worse. When one thing slows, another thing comes along, kicks it in the ass, and now I feel just as bad about one thing, plus I have another. I am thinking about taking up Dave's offer to move to Vermont, or Canada, to start a headshop and Just leave.

On a somewhat lighter note (that still pissed me off)
Me: Why are you walking backwards
Homophobic kid I dont know: Because you are a Fag
HKIDK: I don't want to be railed in the butt
Me: Come on now, lets not be such a homophobe. I am not even gay
HKIDK: Sure you are, you like men
Me: What makes you think that?
Me: And what makes you think that all gay people are rapists?
HKIDK: Because you guys are gay
Me: Ok, and I, or them, coulnd't touch you from the front?
HKIDK: Then I would deck you in the face fagget.
Me: First off, if I was gay, what would I see in you?
Me: Second off, you need to let go of the hate. Just let it go. All it does is cause you more anger.
HKIDK: You are such a fagget

Why Do people have to be so homophobic/racsist/hateful. I swear it, the world I live in is so damn hateful. Eveyone does things with no regaurds to how it makes others feel. No wonder why I am always not happy. All these evil feelings. I need some f'in free love. Any hot chicks who want to help, let me know. Ok, you don't even have to be hot. Just cool. I need some asap. (And you think I am joking?)

I want to just fade away....

"Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say GOOD-BYE!!!!"


Thursday, January 15, 2004

|
Mood: Terrible. Depressed. Any other negitive emotion you can think of.
Today’s Quote: "I one time turned down a date. She hit the lottery 3 days later." -Jello Biafra
Today’s Song: "I Just Want You" Ozzy Osbourne

I am lying to myself. I am not happy. I am not feeling any better then friday. I think I just tried to hide thse feelings so I wouldn't loose a good friend. I just.... wish i could be differant. I wish I could have the chance to disprove what ever guy in the past has ever done to you.... If that is even the real reason. Am I just not good looking enough? Maybe I just get on your nerves. I don't know, and I wish I could say I did'nt care. But I do. I can't ever remember feeling this bad this long. Damn me and my feelings of hope, joy, and love. All do they do is cause me pain. All they ever did is cause me pain. I am hopeless, but I wish to give up all my hope.

I love this song. Its so... so... sweet. So... so... me

"There Are No Unlockable Doors
There Are No Unwinnable Wars
There Are No Unrightable Wrongs
Or Unsingable Songs

There Are No Unbeatable Odds
There Are No Believable Gods
There Are No Unnameable Names,
Shall I Say It Again, Yeah

There Are No Impossible Dreams
There Are No Invisible Seams
Each Night When Day Is Through
I Don't Ask Much

I Just Want You
I Just Want You

There Are No Uncriminal Crimes
There Are No Unrhymable Rhymes
There Are No Identical Twins
Or Forgivable Sins

There Are No Incurable Ills
There Are No Unkillable Thrills
One Thing And You Know It's True
I Don't Ask Much

I Just Want You
I Just Want You
I Just Want You
I Just Want You

I'm Sick And Tired Of Bein' Sick And Tired
I Used To Go To Bed So High And Wired
Yeah - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
I Think I'll Buy Myself Some Plastic Water
I Guess I Should Have Married Lennon's Daughter
Yeah - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

There Are No Unachievable Goals
There Are No Unsaveable Souls
No Legitimate Kings Or Queens,
Do You Know What I Mean? Yeah

There Are No Undisputable Truths
And There Ain't No Fountain Of Youth
Each Night When Day Is Through
I Don't Ask Much

I Just Want You
I Just Want You
I Just Want You
I Just Want You
I Just Want You
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
I Just Want You
I Just Want You
Hey, Yeah,
I Just Want You
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
I Just Want You,
Hey
I Just Want You
I Just Want You"

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

|
Mood: :~~~~~~~~~~~~:
Today’s Quote: "It is never too late to be what you might have been." -George Eliott
Today’s Song: "Bleed For Me" -BLS

I gave Jacky her letter today. I just wish we all could be happy. Maybe I just care too much. Maybe things isn't all that important. I don't like looking around me and seeing nothing but pain and suffering. No matter how I feel, I must say I am having an easier then some. I do have my delemas though. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I have this fear of letting people get close to me, unless I want them to. I am afraid people will get close to me, and I won't end up liking them and hurting them. Its 100% differant if I like them though. Screw this thing I call life. Screw this thing I call happyness. Screw it all. Smile :-)

A great BLS Song

"This grave of life I give to you
And all what was you know it's true
Realms of fear they speak the truth
What has passed I hand to you

Bleed for me, I've bled for you
Embrace me child, I'll see you through
Bleed for me, I've bled for you
Embrace me child, I'll see you through
I'll see you

I'll dig the hole, and bow my head
To see you smile, I wish my death
Realms of fear they speak the truth
What has passed I hand to you

Bleed for me, I've bled for you
Embrace me child, I'll see you through
Bleed for me, I've bled for you
Embrace me child, I'll see you through
I'll see you

Bleed for me, I've bled for you
Embrace me child, I'll see you through
Bleed for me, I've bled for you
Embrace me child, I'll see you through
I'll see you"


Saturday, January 10, 2004

|
Mood: Worse then yesterday (for some reason)
Today’s Quote(s): "The fear of pain ins't worth a lifetime of regret" ; "If you have a chance of happiness, take it. Even if you chance pain. Pain lasts but a moment, Happy memories last a lifetime" "With the help of God and true friends, I came to realize, That I had 2 strong legs, and even wings to fly" (The Allman Brothers Band)
Today’s Song: "Why Can't This Be Love" - Van Halen

Last night my dreams sucked. I hate it when a dream gives me a taste of something I want, and only to wake up and not be able to have it. I woke up and I just wasn't happy. Once and a while for no reason a tear or two would roll down my face, and It would be hard to breathe. It was like this off and on all morning until I got out of the damn house. Everyone just went up to Daves and hung out. I love you guys. When a guy is down, you know how to ease his mind. Its only when I am alone that I feel this pain. You guys are my pain relief. You get me through life, and with every trouble I ever had, you guys (all of you) help me through it. Thanks a lot everyone. Thanks expecially to Dave. I just don't get it. Why do people have to play mind games? I was always taught that emotions are something not to be played with. Don't create illusions of how one is to feel, and then deny those some feelings. I just wish people didn't get my hopes up just let them drop. And Jacky, don't take anything offensive, as it isn't ment to be. I can't blame you for how you feel.

Oh, good news. Dad called the Doctor's yesterday and I do NOT have mono. That makes me really happy. I have been feeling physically better over the past few days. That opens my dating options up a bit.

It makes me feel better when Eddy Van Halen and David Lee Roth have chick problems. It gives us ALL hope!

"Whoa, here it comes
That funny feelin' again windin'
Me up inside
Every time we touch
Hey, I don't know
Oh, tell me where to begin
'Cause I never ever
Felt so much. Hey!

No I can't recall any love at all
Oh baby, this blows 'em all away

It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love?
Straight from the heart oh tell
Me why
Can't this be love?

I tell myself,
"Hey! Only fools rush in" an only
Time will tell
If we stand the test of time
All I know
You've got to run to win an' I'll
Be damned if
I'll get hung up on the line. Hey!

No, I can't recall any love at all
Oh baby, this blows 'em all away

Woo! It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love?
You want it straight from the heart oh, tell
Me why
Can't this be love?

Woo! It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love?
Straight from the heart, oh tell
Me why
Can't this be love?

Baby, why can't this be love?
Got to know why can't this
Be love?
I wanna know why can't this
Be love?"


Friday, January 09, 2004

|
Mood: Like total shit
Today’s Quote: "I don't want a relationship with anyone" -Jacky (aka Your not good enough for me.)
Today’s Song: "Waste" Phish

*This post will be jumbled and all over the place. My mind is leaking as a wrecked oil tanker spews billions of gallons of oil into the ocean*

I am in health right now. Just took a test on death and dying. Earlyer today I told Jacky I liked her today. Shit! It hurt. It really did. She knew I liked her, and I am am not sure how she knew, but it doesn't matter. I really really like her. She is the most unique, and possibly the coolsest human being I ever met in my life. I would like Jacky if she was really ugly, but she is hot to boot. I just don't know why this feeling of pain and suffering is in me. Sure "There are other fish in the sea", but I wanted THAT fish. Budda was right when he said that wanting things we can't have is the cause of all suffering. I can't blame Jacky. She can't control the fact she doesn't like me just as I can't control me liking her. That makes it worse. It would be so much easier if I could get mad. I can't. I can say every other time someone liked me, and the rejected me, I could find reasons pretty quickly why it was a bad idea. I can't with her. I just don't understand. Whats wrong with me? If you never dated a guy before, I could understand. Its not like I am another Bret. I was worried about asking her incase things got funny between us. I knew she wouldnt' act wierd, but I am just feel so fucked up, I dont know how to act. I care alot for her, and I think I would do anything it took to be with her. I feel this feeling of rejection and emptiness. I am sure I will overcome. I always do. I'll find some chick almost as cool. Its not like I am a racist ass hole or anything. I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. I am just sick and tired. The only thing is this one will take a bit longer. It sucks when people play with your mind. When you would swear one second you have a chance with her. She tells you how awsome you are, how hot you are. Stares into your eyes and smiles. I liked her off and on since last year. All my close friends knew that. I can honestly say that I thought I had a chance. Nice guys do finish last. I wish this pain would pass. I don't deserve this. I deserve you. . Should I even feel this way? Am I overreatcing? Maybe, Maybe not. I know how katrina feels. Exactly. I am going to hang out with the guys+lyndsay tonight. Maybe that will help. Maybe I will add more tonight

I am back, and A little bit more stable. I really enjoyed a night out with Scott, Lyndsay, Dave, and Myself. It was fun. Driving around like chickens with our heads cut off, I wolfed down 2 inlows 12" with chillie. Umm umm good. I also sat around with Dave Dad's guitar playing a bunch of open choards narrating everything they did. I was dubbed the name Raymon Newman (I think). I never saw David laugh so much. Katrina, things will get better. Smile and keep your head up. I have been there a couple of times. It hurts. I know it does. Ozzy once said "And the winter is looking fine; And I think the sun will shine again; And I feel I've cleaned my mind; All the past is left behind again" (from Good Bye To Romance)

Here is a song I started learning again last night. Everyone should download it. Its such a fucking sweet song. Oh what I would do to hear someone I love sing that song to me.

"Don't want to be an actor pretending on the stage
Don't want to be a writer with my thoughts out on the page
Don't want to be a painter 'cause everyone comes to look
Don't want to be anything where my life's an open book

A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

Don't want to be a farmer working in the sun
Don't want to be an outlaw always on the run
Don't want to be a climber reaching for the top
Don't want to be anything where I don't know when to stop

A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you

So if I'm inside your head
Don't believe what you might have read
You'll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

So if I'm inside your head
Don't believe what you might have read
You'll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

Come waste your time with me "

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?